I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
