I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
