Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
