so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
