R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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