she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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