It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
