May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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