im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
