This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
