I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
