I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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