i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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