The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
