Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
