getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
