so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
