I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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