I could make wine with my vomit
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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