i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
