I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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