I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
