The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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