My Higher Power is John Stamos
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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