STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
