every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
it was like eating out sand paper
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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