my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
