I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
