i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
