you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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