break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
