On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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