this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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