I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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