You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
