i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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