I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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