my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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