remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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