Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
