I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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