i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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