I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
