the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
