Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
