Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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