I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
