dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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