he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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