She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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