hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
