You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You've changed since you got that strap on
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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