Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
