I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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