Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
