I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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