Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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