I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
