I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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